January 8, 2009
Rabbit Roundtable: First Annual Videogame Awards 2008 Edition - The Pleinnies
So here we are with our set of awards: The Respectable Rabbit Rewards...the Pleinnies. As always, our judgment bears hefty weight and surpasses all other critics by leaps and bounds. There ARE some notable exclusions that aren't even mentioned: LittleBigPlanet...and basically anything that was 360 only. None of the Thousand Rabbits have a 360. Deal with it. Some things we just didn't get a chance to play much...and the rest we just didn't give a fuck about. Again, deal. Anyways, let's set it off.
++++++
Most Fuckable Female; Not Love, but Fuck
edthefucker: That what's-that-bitch's-name from that ocean shit. Had that lifejacket. Definitely a fucking closet freak. Dolphin fucker fo sho. [Endless Ocean]
Kawaii Pattycakes: DR. NAOMI. DR. NAOMI. DR. NAOMI. [No More Heroes]
Killer Ink: Wouldn't know.
funny_bunny: ROSIE. God, I HEART YOU ROSIE! All that running around must give you SUCH a toned body! You can blitz me any day~ [Valkyria Chronicles]
Lavie Rhap: I assume we must choose new characters, or at the very least, re-imagining of old characters, making the cast of Super Smash Bros. Brawl disqualified by default. I'll have to go with Lea Nichols. But that makes me sound like some sort of creepy voyeur, doesn't it? [The Experiment]
nde: I don't know.
prettyprophet: Well, this is a hard choice purely because there's been so many games where you DO FUCK other characters: Tree of Tranquility, P4. Therefore they're obviously fuckable. I can't do the obvious; that's such a cop-out. Most fuckable of 2008: Sylvia Christel, that fucking loon. [No More Heroes]
1000 Rabbit Consensus: The ladies of No More Heroes.
++++++
Most Fuckable Male; Not Love, but Fuck
edthefucker: That fucking bitch cousin in GTA . Fuck him. [Grand Theft Auto IV]
Kawaii Pattycakes: TEDDIE. TEDDIE. TEDDIE. [Persona 4]
Killer Ink: Wouldn't know.
funny_bunny: I want to get inside Teddie and grope his stuffing out. [Persona 4]
Lavie Rhap: Kanji Tatsumi. While Teddie's winning charm is understandable and has consumed several Rabbits, I find Kanji's blending of embarrassment and bluster very endearing. Kanji, let's talk again in a few years, ok? [Persona 4]
nde: I don't know.
prettyprophet: Mao. That kid needs a good fucking. [Disgaea 3: Absence of Justice]
1000 Rabbit Consensus: The boys of Persona 4.
++++++
Most Fan-Fantasy Friendly
1000 Rabbit Consensus: Not only is there no argument but there's also no other alternatives. It's Persona-fucking-4. Does ANYTHING surpass the overall good will possessed by this semi-dating-sim? You've got Yosuke x Chie, Yukiko x Teddie, Kanji x Naoto, main character x anyone, schoolgirl idols, lolipop cousins (ain't that great, you incest-loving fucks?), rugged detective uncles (EVEN BETTER INCEST), neglected mothers, devilish nurses, the Strength threesome, the ever-hot Margaret, and MORE. It'd be easy to blame Pat, Ed, and Funny for infesting our minds with filth, but seriously, those developers? They fucking knew what they were doing. They knew.
++++++
Most Wanted to Drown in the Depths of Obscurity So We Don't Have to Hear Anymore Idiotic Fan Arguments/Masturbation Sessions
edthefucker: Persona 4. Jesus, shut the fuck up.
Kawaii Pattycakes: Fallout 3 is GROSS.
Killer Ink: Left 4 Dead.
funny_bunny: Persona 4! Like, get over it, YOU MEGATEN LOSERS.
Lavie Rhap: Frankly, no fanbase for specific games bothers me. Console discussion is more upsetting.
nde: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.
prettyprophet: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. Ew.
1000 Rabbit Consensus: Persona 4. Look Atlus, where's the fucking SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI IV? Don't go pulling a "let's wait until the next generation for the next core series release" shit. Oh also, MGS4 never ceases to piss us off.
++++++
Most Likely to Transplant Self Into
edthefucker: Valkyria Chronicles. Show you how to do a genocide right.
Kawaii Pattycakes: PERSONA 4 means LOTS OF SEXY SHOUNEN.
Killer Ink: I'd like to do paintings of sea life one day. So Endless Ocean.
funny_bunny: Siren: Blood Curse: so I can FIGHT ZOMBIES and EAT MEATLOAF.
Lavie Rhap: Farming in Harvest Moon: Tree of Tranquility. Ah, the pastoral life!
nde: Harvest Moon: Tree of Tranquility. City suffocates.
prettyprophet: Romance of the Three Kingdoms XI. I made myself in it and I'm a general of Wei. Fuck, if only I could do a coup...
1000 Rabbit Consensus: Technically the Thousand Rabbits have already been put into three games: Etrian Odyssey 2: Heroes of Lagaard, Romance of the Three Kingdoms XI, and Valhalla Knights 2. But for flavor's sake, we all would fit into Persona 4...probably even more than Persona 3. Funny's definitely Teddie, Pat's Rise, Ed's the TRUE KILLER, Ink's Naoto, Lavie's Margaret, nde's the main character again, and I, prophet, would probably end up taking Chie's role. You know, we've actually designated Funbuns' name as the main character's due to his hair, only for that idiot to have it cut. Funny, you fucked it up and now the main character LOOKS LIKE NOBODY.
++++++
Most Educational Game That Can Be Applied to Our Daily Lives
edthefucker: Spore shows that there's no god. Hey Christfuckers, suck on those nuts.
Kawaii Pattycakes: Persona 4 taught me to be smart and diligent and understanding and expressive and brave! Then everyone likes you and wants to CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.
Killer Ink: As Persona 4 displays, even Shadows can gain souls.
funny_bunny: I learned to be responsible and family-ness in Harvest Moon: Tree of Tranquility. Then I learned that we must cross blades on the STAGE OF HISTORY. Then I learned that THE SHADOW SELF MUST BE ACCEPTED.
Lavie Rhap: I found through Left 4 Dead that our teamwork needs dire improving.
nde: Sharks and eels won't attack you in Endless Ocean.
prettyprophet: Valkyria Chronicles, as far as I can tell, is the only game to make a blatant comparison with the Holocaust. Guys, let's start making games that deal with racism in a less clumsy way.
1000 Rabbit Consensus: Persona 4. Who hasn't dealt with their dark side? Check this shit out, you face your other self and boom, you'll be able to summon demons, solve murder-mysteries, and score with a ton of people who barely know you.
++++++
Most Disappointing Game That We Knew Would Be Disappointing
edthefucker: Persona 4 is shit just like Persona 3. It's all mainstream bullshit. Fuck those bitches.
Kawaii Pattycakes: Fallout 3? THAT'S AN INSULT TO RPGS.
Killer Ink: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. Epic, sure. Like Michael Bay.
funny_bunny: Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: My Life as a King...WHY DID I EVEN BOTHER TO LISTEN TO PAT??? THAT FIEND.
Lavie Rhap: I was interested in Fallout 3 but at the same time quite wary. By the time I paid attention to it again, it had been released for a month. All in all, a lukewarm experience.
nde: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.
prettyprophet: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. Man, Hayter, you must have been pissed to deal with all that shit.
1000 Rabbit Consensus: Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots sucked because it was an over-indulgent by-the-numbers wrap-up. Art? Fuck you. Oh ok, let us make some fifteen minute cutscenes of silted action where nothing really happens and when stuff does happen you feel so goddamn impotent, not because you're a decrepit geezer, but because the game just won't let you put a bullet in Ocelot's head since he has to keep talking and make stupid gestures. We had a feeling all this would happen and lo, it fucking did. Were any of us surprised? Hey, the ending sure was a surprise. They found a way to drag it out even longer and that was UNCANNY. Bravo.
++++++
Most Disappointing Game That Sucker Punched Us in the Solar Plexus
edthefucker: None. It's all shit.
Kawaii Pattycakes: Disgaea 3: Absence of Justice. MAO CANNOT COMPARE TO LAHARL. And I hate his glasses!
Killer Ink: Baroque. Too clumsy.
funny_bunny: Dokapon Kingdom: IT WAS SUPPOSED TO DESTROY FRIENDSHIPS. BUT IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOO SLOW. Destroyed patience!
Lavie Rhap: I'd have to say Spore due to how simplistic everything before the space era felt. Things also become monotonous rather quickly if one does not develop non-in-game goals.
nde: Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney. I wasn't really surprised though.
prettyprophet: Harvest Moon: Island of Happiness. Seriously could not play it. Fuck that stylus.
1000 Rabbit Consensus: Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Hey, none of us were expecting a new game; fighters are probably the least likely to go through any major changes. It's just that for all the delays...it wasn't enough. But it's still the group game of choice and the cutscenes in it beat the piss out of MGS4.
+++++
Most Awesome Game That We Knew Would be Awesome
edthefucker: None. It's all shit.
Kawaii Pattycakes: PERSONA 4.
Killer Ink: Persona 4.
funny_bunny: Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................FINAL FANTASY CRYSTAL CHRONICLES: RING OF FATES.
Lavie Rhap: Personally, due to the sheer audience good-will, Persona 4 would be my choice. However, I simply cannot ignore Sins of a Solar Empire, which is my strategy, as well as overall, game of the year.
nde: I liked Harvest Moon: Tree of Tranquility but since there were bugs, I'm going Persona 4. But in truth, bugs were expected.
prettyprophet: Valkyria Chronicles. Yeah, I don't think I need to pimp out P4 anymore so here's to Squad 7.
1000 Rabbit Consensus: Valkyria Chronicles. Whoa, what the fuck? Not P4? Nah, fuck that, it's a sequel. We're going to reward some originality here; from SEGA, thank the fucking Moon Rabbit. C'mon guys, with HotD: Overkill and a SHINING SRPG...DON'T FUCK IT UP. Anyways, Valkyria. Persona. Get both or fuck off.
++++++
Most Awesome Game That Was Totally Inconceivable
edthefucker: None. It's all shit.
Kawaii Pattycakes: Left 4 Dead I really liked! BUT I DON'T PLAY FPS??
Killer Ink: Audiosurf. Addictive.
funny_bunny: Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core! Playing it was FUN. DIDN'T LIKE ANYTHING ELSE LIKE THAT BASTARD SEPHIROTH OR GACKT-FACE. Nonetheless, moi liked a FF game?? WORLD'S END IS NIGH.
Lavie Rhap: I didn't know a thing about Theresia and I'm very glad I didn't. Should be rather cheap compared to other DS titles; get it without reading any reviews!
nde: Prince of Persia. Reminds me of ICO.
prettyprophet: The World Ends With You...HOLY SHIT. A SQUARE GAME. Yeah, that's fucking right. No playa hate here, it's all about the games.
1000 Rabbit Consensus: Persona 4. To be completely honest, none of us expected this to be on par with P3. Rush-job to play off the fans. We were wrong and it made P3 look like crap. Props yo.
++++++
Blah blah, here's the usual list of awards:
Best Action: Prince of Persia
Best FPS: Left 4 Dead
Best Light-Gun: The House of the Dead 2 & 3 Return
Best Shooter: (none of us played Space Invaders Get Even yet but let's just assume it's awesome)
Best Platformer: Bionic Commando Rearmed
Best Sandbox: Yakuza 2
Best Fighter: Soul Calibur IV
Best Adventure: A Vampyre Story
Best RTS: Sins of a Solar Empire
Best RPG: Persona 4
Best Turn-based: Valkyria Chronicles
Best MMO: Shin Megami Tensei: IMAGINE (default win due to none of us playing new MMOs)
Best Racer: Need for Speed: Undercover (default win, only one all of us played; PS: it's shit)
Best Sports: Wii Fit (default win, also shit)
Best Scary Shit: Theresia
Best Rhythm: Patapon
Best Sim: Harvest Moon: Tree of Tranquility
Best Visual Novel: (Funny: BOLLOCKS TO THAT)
Best Puzzle: Professor Layton and the Curious Village
Best Visuals: Valkyria Chronicles - Sega
Best Concept Art: Persona 4 - Shigenori Soejima <-head over to DOKUGANRYU
Best Music: Persona 4 - Shoji Meguro
Best Story: Persona 4 - Atlus
Best Portable: Newest DJ Max!
Best Co-op: Left 4 Dead - Valve
Best Co-hate: Super Smash Bros. Brawl - Nintendo
Best Zen: Harvest Moon: Tree of Tranquility - Natume
Best Fan-translation: Eternal Punishment 2: Innocent Sin
Best Character of 2008: Persona 4's Teddie, voiced by Dave Wittenberg
Best Game of 2008: Valkyria Chronicles
++++++
And there you have it. Feel free to argue with us all you want; we probably won't listen.
*Images from Be Your True Mind, Danbooru, and Google.
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