November 7, 2008
RABBIT REVEAL: Hainan Cholera Outbreak Is Cover Story For Massive Zombie Infection
"Today, students who were off campus could not enter even with their students passes. The guards told them to take a three-day vacation. The off-campus students said that it was not sure whether things were serious inside the campus or it was even more unsafe outside.
I did not think about going down to the cafeteria at all. Perhaps I was scared off by what I saw when I walked past the cafeterias after class. There were crowds out the entrance and the university workers were yelling: "Do not enter. Please do not push. It is already full inside. Even if you get in, you won't get any food." There were many students dressed in camouflage uniforms trying to maintain order. They chased waves and waves of students back out. Even the temporary stands outside the cafeteria for instant noodles were mobbed. There was a notice which said that the cafeteria which re-opened yesterday is closed today because of water stoppage. The workers watched the people from the second floor. As I walked past this cafeteria, I heard a male student yell from the second floor: "I want to eat food, I want to drink water."
When I got back to the dormitory, there were more notices downstairs. Two notices were new: water was stopped and the Internet will be down tomorrow. Everybody howled in collective agony again. I don't think cholera is scary. But the lack of supply of the various essential things in daily life is the true terror.
I just learned that the water has been turned back on. I can make noodles."
Breaking news: China is now ground zero for an outbreak of panic, rape, looting, and delicious brain-eating.
This is Dionysos J. Juju, reporting live from Shanghai. I've been assigned here to cover Mr. Obama's effects on the heathen Chinee populace but I think I speak for all of us when I say: FUCK THAT!!!!!!
ZOMBIES. THERE ARE ZOMBIES POURING INTO CHINA'S BEAUTIFUL CAPITAL OF FASHION AND BOUTIQUES AND BEIJING IS SOOOOOOO CLOSET-HOMO.
Oh, Patti Fujifilm, I'm told you are at the scene of the madness. How's things over there? Thumbs up?
Patti: Sorry J. Juju but I'm afraid my connection might get cut off any second now because the officials have sealed off the entire sector so my sentences are going to go all run-on and splot! I am watching some G-men in really sinister-looking suits take away an old man...I think he's a professor. Or maybe a dissident! COULD ALL THIS BE A RUSE FOR PURGES!!?!?!? Cameraman Edward Woodcock, what do you think?
Woodcock: Obama is going to JIHAD the rice out China now. Nuclear zombie APOCALYPSE. Got rice bitch? Not anymore.
Patti: Oh my god, now they're resorting to cannibalism! AHHHHHHHH HORRIBLE PIERCING SHIERKS!!! RED RAIN RED RAIN!!!! WE'RE CURSED, DOOMED!! MUST KILL, SHARE SUFFERING.
Woodcock: Yo, fucking white people mucking up in my Siren.
Patti: Chea! Little Japanese girls ftw. Back to you, Juju!
Juju: There you have it, astonishing reports from our intrepid Patti Fujifilm. I can only pray that the world hears of this; let not the great Firewall of China filter our truth! ZOMBIES ARE COMING. ZOMBIES ARE COMING. BOARD UP YOUR WINDOWS! GATHER CANNED FOOD! STOCK UP ON AMMO! GET SOME TYPEWRITERS!!!!!!
And now some words from our sponsors!
pinkoprophet: So I was doing a term essay that's due tomorrow when I get this message from Funny: "CHINA! ZOMBIES! COVER UPS! SARS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Less than ten seconds later, nde's like, "Funny just sent this: 'LEFT 4 DEAD IN REAL LIFE, WORLD WAR Z BEGINS!!!!'
Then, this from Lavie: "Is it just me or has Funny gone on a zombie binge: 'Lavie, I thought about this for a long time and I didn't know how to tell you in person.........so here it is. THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC HAS A ZOMBIE PANDEMIC ON THEIR HANDS.'
As you can see, that coconut has been sending this around very rapidly. I kinda do hope there's zombies though. That way the march of the volunteers can do a little twist into an easy-going, flesh-eating shuffle. Why not? Anyone who believes all that shit's already dead to the world.
Oh yeah, Siren: Blood Curse. It's actually a metaphor for how Obamamania causes the utter collapse of the Western Sphere, allowing Hugo Chavez to fill Europe and North America with true left-wing ideals, creating total bliss and allowing movies like Twilight to prosper. Now that's future worth fighting for!
*Since we've made multiple references to politics, social struggles, and zombies, clearly this is a serious blog. Hey, we WERE the ones to bring you this doozy.
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