Rabbit Roundtable: Valkyria Profile ~ On the DLC Front

VALKYRIA DLC ATTACKS.

prettyprophet: It fucking rocks. If you have Valkyria, get it. If you don't, get a PS3, get Valkyria, then download it.

nde: They should probably beat it first.

prettyprophet: Yeah, probably. So I've got a final tomorrow...fuck that, I played Selvaria's AND Edy's DLC. They're both awesome. I know, $5, that's a little steep...but it's Valkyria. And if this encourages Sega to make more (SKIES OF MOTHERFUCKING ARCADIA), I'm gonna toss 'em bones. SHUT IT YOU CUNTS, I did study, I'll be fine, SHUT IT FUNNY, KEEP CLEANING ACONY, YOU'RE DONE, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY EXCUSES.

nde: I bought the Edy Detachment DLC. Prophet bought Selvaria's.

prettyprophet: I was iffy on Edy since it's only one map compared to Selvaria's...maps. I don't want to spoil anything, so whatever. Anyways, nde wanted to chip in on VC stuff since I was the one who paid for the whole game; I was going to buy Selvaria regardless. You get a MG if you A-rank all of her's...nothing if you A-rank Edy.

nde: For Edy, different endings for different ranks.

prettyprophet: Technically both DLC's are fanservice filled...but Edy's is total fanservice. I'm not talking upskirt shit; just clean fun. So if you like Edy (minor spoilers), Homer, Lynn, Susie, Jann, and Marina, you'll love this DLC. Homer and Marina. They're great. Jann? Japanese makeup-wearing bears? Little too obvious.

nde: Homer has subtlety, then?

prettyprophet: Hold up, I can't believe we haven't talked about this yet: Rabbits in Valkyria, who would we be? Actually fuck that, we could just be ourselves.

nde: No, Lavie talked about this.

prettyprophet: When the hell was that?

nde: Some time ago.



prettyprophet: We need to get Funny to draw some shit. Too bad it'll suck. [funny edit: nonsense, IT'LL BE FANTASTIC. I can be Hans!]

nde: He's busy working on this thing.

prettyprophet: Usagiten?

nde: This other thing.

prettyprophet: Oh god. Ok, let's talk about the Edy scenario itself. Basically your squad of six is on its own and you have to defend a town. Simple as that.

nde: If any enemy enters your base area, you lose.

prettyprophet: No retreat, no redeploy, no medics, no orders. Just what you got.

nde: I think default equipment and levels are transferred over from the main game.

prettyprophet: Yeah, I think so too, since I tried to give Lynn the badass machinegun but it didn't work. What we mean by default is whatever your levels are as of playing the DLC. Like, we'd cleared the game twice over, so we're maxed out...Edy's DLC wasn't as challenging as it may be for others thanks to that. Then again, I watched nde B-rank it first, so I figured out how to A-rank on my turn.

nde: As for Selvaria's...

prettyprophet: I used a guide for the second map. I was like, "Fuck, I'll just A-rank it first, get the machinegun."

nde: Somewhat somber. Melancholy.

prettyprophet: Hey, not with that one scene. Huh, wink, nudge?

nde: Hm?

prettyprophet: Don't tell me you missed that.

nde: Missed what?



prettyprophet: I'll show you later. If you're a Selvaria fan, download this. I kinda am; the whole "oh I love you Max but I know you're just using me" is meh but fuck that, she's awesome. Really wish her boobs weren't designed for horndogs. And for our readers, nde just gave me one of his "you-have-no-idea-what-the-fuck-I'm-thinking" looks because he thinks I'm about to go off on Valkyria's female character designs. I'm not. They're very fucking impractical. That's all I'm gonna say. That's all I have to say. Kid, shut the fuck up.

nde: I haven't played "Behind Her Blue Flames" yet. I watched.

prettyprophet: Think you'll A-rank?

nde: Maybe. Usually the easiest. But tactically unsound.

prettyprophet: And how. So that's nde and Prophet, giving you impressions on two of Valkyria Chronicles's DLC packs: "Enter the Edy Detachment" and "Behind Her Blue Flames". Didn't get the Hard-EX mode because we haven't even touched the hard skirmishes yet. I guess I'll get to that after I finish Absence of Justice.

nde: Maybe when it drops in price.

prettyprophet: They cost $5 a pack. Selvaria's is definitely worth it since it's more than one map and gives you a gun and further characterization...Hard-EX (or Hard-SEX as Funny loves to call it) we don't know about, maybe Funny or Pat bought it [funny edit: NAW SON......Pat's not getting it either because she suxxx at Valkyria! SUCKS FALDIO'S PENIS!] but since it changes up your tactics completely and gives you new weapons to use, it's got the most literal bang for your buck...and Edy, get only if you like those soldiers involved. Otherwise, pray that Sega decides to make more DLC with people you DO like.

nde: That probably depends on how many people buy the DLC though. Sadly.

prettyprophet: What are you complaining about? You got Susie and Marina. Don't try to hide your lust.

nde: Homer?

prettyprophet: I'd do him. But that'd be statutory rape. And he'd love it. Seriously though, Aika and Vyse. Let's get those Skies of Arcadia kids in and maybe Sega'll give us more rocked out RPGs like Nintendo did with Fire Emblem (even though I hate Roy, Marth, and Ike).

nde: I'm going to sleep.

prettyprophet: And I'M going to listen to Olivia's latest single, "Sailing Free", play more Valkyria, and whip Funny into cleaning.

nde: I think he's playing VC as well.

prettyprophet: Vietcong, The Other Side, Love Love Love, close your eyes, we're all under the same sky, you have me, whoever you are, I...love you...

nde: Not studying anymore?

prettyprophet: Hush.


Images from some MU link of the preorder artbook. Hey, send us Valkyria doujinshi. Seriously.

Rabbit Roundtable: What about WALL-E?

Verdict: What-a-pile-of-rubbish-only-white-people-could-think-of-fuck-them-all.

prettyprophet: Hoho, just fucking around. We're not THAT much of snobs. Well, I'm not.

Kawaii Pattycakes: I'm downloading WALL-E WALLPAPERS right THIS VERY MOMENT.

funny_bunny: Send when done!

prettyprophet: If you haven't guessed, WALL-E pretty much charmed the pants off everyone. But I think that's because we all saw it in Trojan's theater of a basement with a new plasma TV, Blu-ray, and surround sound.

Killer Ink: And people were drunk.

prettyprophet: Yes they fucking were. It wasn't piss-drunk or anything, it was a good time.

Kawaii Pattycakes: I was drunk. And it was a very good time.

funny_bunny: I wasn't drunk. And it was an EVEN GOODER TIME.

prettyprophet: You've never been drunk. You're just...something.

funny_bunny: I touched nde's inner thigh.

prettyprophet: So yeah, Trojan comes up to us all excited and he's like, "WALL-E. Blu-ray. New TV. Check it." We're all, "Oh, plasma, sweet. And WALL-E you say? I haven't seen it yet!" And Funbuns just gets all wide-eyed and he goes, "Can I use your Blu-ray burner?"

funny_bunny: I want to MAXIMIZE THE POWER OF THE PS3.

Killer Ink: The only reason why 'Blu-ray' is amazing to Funny is because no one has a Blu-ray burner yet. But now Whopper has one. He got WALL-E for Trojan.

prettyprophet: Wasn't for free though. Then again, Trojan insisted on paying Whopper so what the hell.

funny_bunny: Now FUNNY will look terrible if he does not pay for goods and services!

Killer Ink: You never pay anyways.

funny_bunny: I paid for everyone's lunch once!

prettyprophet: Yeah, you paid for everyone when everyone was just you and nde. If another one of us were there, THEN it'd count as everyone.

funny_bunny: I stand by my statement.

Kawaii Pattycakes: I sit on your face.

funny_bunny: Fufufufu.

prettyprophet: Anyways, since this is like, the only movie EVERYONE fucking watched together, thoughts?

Kawaii Pattycakes: Sugoi!

Killer Ink: Entertaining.

funny_bunny: SUBLIME.

prettyprophet: Yeah, I'll say it's magic too. nde, talk.

nde: It was good.

prettyprophet: I know Lavie liked it...and Ed, he fucking loved it.

Kawaii Pattycakes: Uh huh, he's got the OST in his car!

prettyprophet: Course, since he's a dick, first thing he says once the credits hit: "OH MY GOD, FUCK PETER GABRIEL THAT FAGGOT."

Killer Ink: He was more vocal on the environmentalist issue, however.

prettyprophet: Oh yeah, after when we're all just chillaxing, all Ed would talk about was "how fucking shit the movie was and it was all just bullshit fear-mongering by douche-sniffing liberals". But we all know he jerks it to EVE.

Kawaii Pattycakes: He has it on BLU-RAY TOO NOW.

funny_bunny: Wait wait wait wait, Ed has burner now??

Kawaii Pattycakes: Dunno!

prettyprophet: Ok, more thoughts. Um, fuck Nick and Nora, THIS is the shit.

funny_bunny: Fuck Slumdogs!

prettyprophet: Yeah Lavie, chew on that. Slumdogs GOT NOTHIN'. Let the Right One In? INTO THE FUCKING GARBAGE BIN.

Killer Ink: This is what happens whenever other Rabbits aren't around.

Kawaii Pattycakes: We sneeze lots!

prettyprophet: Thanks to Ed and me. We talk so much shit. Ok, Ed talks shit, I just talk anecdotes. And Funbuns talks lies. And Pat talks sexual fantasy pairings.

funny_bunny: So what's everyone's fav part? NO SPOILERS.

Kawaii Pattycakes: Dancing!

Killer Ink: Also sprach Zarathustra.

nde: Love.

prettyprophet: Thomas fucking Newman. And 'Wanted' signs.

And Lavie says hers is M-O and WALL-E's handshake. Ed's is the trapped robot in space. And I'm not gonna do the rest of the Rabbits because fuck the rest of you.

funny_bunny: EVERYTHING. Especially SLO-MO.

prettyprophet: Explosions are cool.

funny_bunny: EVE is so beautiful.

Kawaii Pattycakes: I'm writing WALL-E fic now!

funny_bunny: SEND THE WALL-E WALLIES.

prettyprophet: Ugh. Hey, is it just me listening to oldies hardcore now? Fucking Fallout.

Killer Ink: It's nostalgia affecting your sensibilities.

prettyprophet: Definitely, since I lived through the 40s in America, listening to The Ink Spots and breaking down racial barriers. Fuck you.

funny_bunny: Psssssssssst guys, prophet's growing a small penis and dying her hair red and being a SADIST.

prettyprophet: Hey, someone's gotta be the Ed when Ed's not around.

funny_bunny: Hey hey, I just bought it on BLU-RAY.

Killer Ink: Weren't you going to have Whopper get you a copy?

funny_bunny: TWO DISCS! And I got GOTH'S CAGE while at it!

Kawaii Pattycakes: Oh, maybe I'll do that too! No wait, I WILL!

prettyprophet: Stop, just stop fucking spending money. Actually no, Pat, you stop, funny you keep spending. And give me WALL-E after.

Killer Ink: Blu-ray, prophet.

prettyprophet: Son of a buddha. Alright, time to snag a PS3. nde, get a card, I'm maxed.

Kawaii Pattycakes: YASUSHI SUZUKI!

funny_bunny: Let's get sushi!

Killer Ink: We've drifted.

prettyprophet: Word, anyways, WALL-E. Watch that shit because it is fantastic and heart-warming. We think it may even have caused romantic stirrings between nde and Lavie. So, as the PR Rabbit, I ORDER YOU TO WATCH.

funny_bunny: I WANT TO SET THE WORLD ON FIRE.

prettyprophet: Whoa, simmer down, Heath.

Rabbit Roundtable: Eight Heart Paradise

Heart warming life simulation!

Ages ago, there was a game called Harvest Moon. It was on the SNES and it was hard as hell. Fast forward several years and we got Tree of Tranquility. Oh sure, there were tons of other games in between...but we're playing this right now because no one likes playing Island of Happiness.

Chea, nde just bought it over the weekend...so naturally, I've been hogging it. I'm in summer now. They really need to add more save slots; I use only one, but nde likes to use two. Dawg, what happens if you've got a ton of housemates like ed?

Oh shit, I'm sorry, this isn't really much of a roundtable. Probably because we're all busy as hell now and don't have time for this. Instead, it's just going to be a wrap-up of the Tree of Tranquility love stories for everyone:

Lavie Rhap's Story
Sex: Female
Choices as of this date: Gill or Toby
If replayed as male: Anissa

Lavie says: I finally bought a Wii thanks to nde when I expressed my desire to try out a console Harvest Moon. Sadly, we couldn't find Magical Melody or A Wonderful Life being sold for a reasonable price, so I bought Tree of Tranquility, rather than borrowing nde's copy after he and prophet were done. That was probably for the best, since the twins are very exhaustive in their game habits.

I named my character Victoria and finding a husband wasn't a priority for me until all the Rabbits demanded I start flirting. I have interest in Gill, but with his preferred gifts being gold and silver, I deemed him being too avaricious. Since Toby is a more relaxed character, he seems more suitable in the simple life of farming. But surely Gill has a degree of innocence; the Harvest Sprites chose him to aid the Goddess. I'll have to decide when I reach the Firefly Festival, as I'd rather not a repeat of seeing the Fireworks Festival alone.

Pat's Story
Sex: Female
Choices as of this date: Jin (figures)
If replayed as male: None, it's all about Jin

Pat, through prophet, says: Fucking Pat. Always choosing the Asians.

ed's Story
Sex: Male
Choices as of this date: Luna
If replayed as female: Julius

ed, through prophet, says: "I'm gonna break that bitch." That's ed for you. Sidenote: I don't think he's ever going to get past spring.

Funny's Story
Sex: Male
Choices as of this date: Anissa
If replayed as female: Luke

funny says: I chose Anissa because she's one of the first you meet and her family's all warm and cozy to me and that's awesome. They have a farm too! So good family life. Also she is elfin.

prophet: Elfin?

funny: Like, her hair, her clothes...elfin! Not ears though.

prophet: It's mind-boggling, but you seem to actually have rational reasons for liking Anissa. How far-out.

nde's Story
Sex: Male
Choices as of this date: Phoebe
If replayed as female: Jin

nde says: I haven't met Phoebe yet. I think I'll choose her.

prophet's Story
Sex: Male
Choices as of this date: Probably Renee
If replayed as female: Dunno

prophet says: I seriously can't decide. Now, I started this as a guy, mainly because I was under impression if you go girl, you get fucked over at marriage and subsequent pregnancy, like literally. Have a kid, game ends, rah rah Japanese mindset, right? Well, apparently the game still goes on, even if you're a bird with chick. Thank the fucking Moon Rabbit for that. That's how it should be; think kids will stop a lady-farmer? Hell no. They raised those kids from dinks to doctors, all the while planting crops and shearing sheep. Course, I found out about the whole 'being a girl doesn't suck in this game' deal AFTER I finished a season. Like hell I'm starting over now when I could just have a daughter.

Now, on love. I'm thinking Renee but I've still got other options like Anissa and Selena. Anissa's the most blatant choice, given the whole family familiarity thing...which is why Funbuns chose her. Probably won't pick Anissa since he's already got that. Selena...I liked her little character story. Thought she was just an angsty runaway from a broken home? Nah, none of that shit here. Still, it was TOO little of a character story, plus Selena doesn't seem like the type to fit well in a farm environment. Bet she'll sleep around too (funny: Oh absolutely! Just look at that provocative dress and saucy temperament!).

So Renee. To me, she's like the Ellen of the first Harvest Moon. In fact, that's what she may as well be. Damn these Harvest Moon stock types. But she makes sense. Her family's the animal place and Ellen has a cute intro. Had more impact on me than the others. Oh god what the fuck am I saying?

Patty: Fufufufufu, now you're one of us!

funny: DARK SIDE.

prophet: Shut it.

Now Tree of Tranquility ain't perfect, obviously. Might seem like we're all going ga-ga over it but I got a lot of beef to fry. To start, we have some people we would just love to romance, but they're not on the list: Bo and Elli. Bo for Booberella and Elli for anyone who has a maid fetish (yeah, I know Maya kinda covers the maid thing with that waitress uniform, but that's still just a waitress uniform). Man, if only there was easy-to-use mod tools...

Speaking of mods, GLITCHES. nde and me, we've had no fuck-ups so far, but hilariously, whenever Booberella tries to play Lavie's, it stalls. It's like the game hates her or something, which is terrible, because now Booberella won't ever get to experience the latest-gen Harvest Moon. Anyways, Natsume = glitches, this isn't new, but what the hell we shouldn't be used to this.

Motion controls are shit in Tree of Tranquility? Don't know, none of us use that. Classic baby.

I personally wish we had an item organizer; maybe we do but fuck manuals. I'm pretty sure no one else reads them either, except Lavie. I probably should have, since I fucked up my first seed planting because I thought it was still 3x3 tiles instead of 1x6. Damn, that was lost profit.

Maybe it's just the Rabbits, but it seems barely any of us actually farm. nde mines, Funbuns fishes, Pat...I don't know. I have a preference for mining too, since I want to gold up all my tools. Lavie farms because she's a straight-laced cunt with no zest for life. Cooking food for townspeople in the kitchen, keeping the women rights movement down, that's what she's doing.

Ink is a cockbite motherfucker who won't play Tree of Tranquility. Oh sure, he doesn't have a Wii but neither did Lavie and she got it like THAT. Fuck Ink.

Also, the Thousand Rabbits here have a tendency to destroy any sort of innocence or seriousness any game has. In Twilight Princess, all we could talk about was how Midna x Wolf Link porn (NSFW, surprise surprise) would implode the internet (PS: you can thank Pat for that link). Here, we've got ed and funbuns talking about the sex lives of all the adults (Elli as Hamilton's slave, Sue and Samson making up through rough sex), Pat dreaming of hard Pascal x Main Character action, and me trying to figure out what drove the developers to include Luna, who is pure lolipop. Oh wait, that just answered my question, didn't it?

Homies, if only we weren't waist-deep in manhua and doujinshi...we should do Harvest Moon.

funny edit: Ohohoho, should we now?

Anyways, the Rabbits are overall happy with Tree of Tranquility. Lavie and Funbuns love it, Pat loves it but she'll lose interest soon, probably when Eternal Sonata reenters orbit, ed and Ink don't care, while nde plays it regardless. Myself? Yeah, I like it. It's relaxing fun with more goal-oriented zen. It's no great leap forward over the other games in the series...but hey, would you really want it to be?